PART 2
So that Tuesday, after watching him leave with his hospital badge clipped to his pocket, I decided to surprise him.
I made the thing he likes, the one with the peppers. I put a slice of apple pie in a separate box so the pastry would not go soft.
And I tucked a note under the fork.
You don’t have to look after everybody. Let me have a turn.
I want to be honest about that lunch before I go any further, because it comes back later.
It was not only kindness.
I had been building a case for eleven months. I had the conversation written. I knew the order and I knew which line I was going to end on, and I had rehearsed it in the car about nine times.
And part of me wanted to stand in that corridor and actually see him being the man he kept telling me he was.
So that I could either forgive him properly, or finally be allowed to be angry.
I drove over imagining his face.
And the second I walked through those doors, something was wrong.
At the nurses’ station there was a woman I have known for six years — I went to her daughter’s christening — and she stopped smiling the moment she saw me.
I said: is Soren about? And please don’t warn him, he’ll only say I shouldn’t have bothered.
She glanced at the nurse next to her.
Neither of them said anything, and neither of them looked at me. They looked at each other.
My smile went.
I said: has something happened to him? Where is he?
Still nothing.
And I was starting to get properly angry at how strangely they were behaving when I saw his colleague Cassian coming down the corridor towards me.
His face was completely white.
I said, brightly, because I still had no idea: oh, thank goodness. Can you tell me where Soren is?
He stopped in front of me and looked at my face for about three seconds, the way you look at somebody when you are deciding something.
And then, with no warning at all, his eyes filled.
He said: he hasn’t told you anything, has he?
And here is the thing I have not been able to explain to anybody since.
My first feeling was not fear. It was relief.
For about a second and a half, standing in that corridor with a lunch box, I thought: good. Finally. Here it is.
Because I had spent eleven months waiting to find out what it was, and any answer is easier to hold than the shape of a question.
I had a list. An actual list, in my head, in order, of what it might be.
Another woman was first. It had been first since about the June.
And what I have to sit with is that for eleven months I would have found another woman easier than the truth, because another woman is a thing that happens to marriages and you can be angry about it in public.
There is no version of my husband was suspended and worked nights in a warehouse and could not tell me that I get to be angry about in front of anybody.
I only get to be sad about it, and I only get to be sad about it because of the part I did.
That second and a half is the most shameful thing in this account and it is also the truest, and I have since been told by a woman on Wednesdays that almost everybody has it and almost nobody says it.
